24 Responses for "Splitting the bill. Oh, the drama.."

1. Ginger March 16th, 2009 at 3:14 pm

   Maybe when you’re out you should ask the server upfront to keep separate bills. That would tip your friend off.

   Alternatively, you could pretend you’re low on funds for one reason or another and ask her to pitch in. Or you could just not order anything at all when you go out and let her pay for herself.

2. the weakonomist March 16th, 2009 at 3:45 pm

   When that happens, the person ceases to be your friend and you are simply paying them to entertain you.

   It would be hard to do, but that person just isn’t a friend anymore if that’s how she acts. I’d give her a few more attempts to pay her cut, and then just cut her. I’ve had to do this, but it was easier because we both moved.

   As for taking care of the funds with friends, I try to bring cash and just round up my part to the nearest $5. Thankfully I’ve got some great friends that don’t usually let me do that and give me some money back.

3. R. May March 16th, 2009 at 4:58 pm

   If you are that close with her you should be able to say point blank – hey I’ve noticed this.

4. Seattle Girl March 16th, 2009 at 5:13 pm

   Ack! That is so awkward!

   Even though I’m sure its not FruGuy’s style, when he does reach for the check, he can pick up what you two owe and then slide it her way, or say “that should cover the two of us….” hopefully a subtle hint will help her realize that you were just helping her out in a time of need. In the pub, maybe a simple, “I got the first round….” would do the trick. If neither of those work…she has got to be a bit dense!

   Good luck!

5. paranoidasteroid March 16th, 2009 at 5:34 pm

   Oh, awkward.

   I would do what others suggest, just tell her, “Oh, you owe X,” or something like that. If she’s as good of a friend as you think, this won’t even trip her radar. If she is – for a lack of a better term – mooching, she will stop hanging out with you as soon as she realizes her free ride is over.

   Then again, I am extremely non-confrontational and try to avoid conflict at any cost. You might be a bit more assertive.

6. C - The Asian Pear March 16th, 2009 at 6:21 pm

   Is she a friend or just an acquaintance that you hang out alot with?

   Because if she IS a close friend, just be honest with her.
   If it’s an acquaintance, I’d ask for separate bills.

7. FruGal March 16th, 2009 at 6:48 pm

   Your responses are making me a little bit nervous… you’re right though, I should just say something. If we’re as good friends as I think we are then it should be no biggie.

8. asgreen March 16th, 2009 at 7:31 pm

   Since she is one of your best friends then you should definitely say something to her. I find that being honest (without being mean) works. My friends appreciate it also. Let us know how the converstation goes, this is not an easy one to have.

9. shtinkykat March 16th, 2009 at 7:39 pm

   Money Magazine covered this topic a while ago. This is what it said: “telling your friend you’re putting the brakes on the gravy train won’t be easy. In our experience, those folks who are most comfortable accepting the kindnesses of others are often the most wounded – unjustifiably wounded, but wounded nevertheless – when the free-luch window closes.” Hopefully your friend is not one of these wounded puppy types.

10. jill March 16th, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    Ooohh, I never know what to do in this kinda situation. I agree that if she is a close friend, you should be able to talk to her about it but I like the subtle way that people are suggesting better.

    If it’s me, I’ll probably stop FruGuy from coming out with us for a while. And then when he does eventually start going out with the two of you again, it’ll be much easier to try split the bills between you.

11. Holly March 16th, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    Seattle Girl’s advice sounds great, two really easy sentences to slip in. If it were me, I’d wait until the next time she asks me out to dinner/drinks then say that you’re feeling the pinch this month (after your trip, seems reasonable even though we all know you’re a saving genius!) and suggest she treats you for a change. Hopefully that will make her realise what you’ve done for her.

    Alternatively, perhaps her money troubles aren’t over yet. If she pulls this stunt again I’d ask if she’s managing financially, since you’ve noticed she doesn’t chip in like she used to. Ask her outright then see what she comes up with.

    Hopefully it won’t come to the end of your friendship!

12. J. Money March 17th, 2009 at 2:09 am

    man, i just got back from a long weekend of eating out with friends and it turns out we had a super frugal’er among us! they made sure we got separate bills every single meal – it was awesome

13. Abigail March 17th, 2009 at 5:28 am

    Even with close friends, money is awkward. So I would still approach with a note of caution. But if I were you, I’d be getting pretty annoyed, as well!

    I like some of the other people’s suggestions. Particularly mentioning to the waiter that you need to keep separate checks. Then you can just turn to her and say, “This way we don’t have to make him split up the bill with credit cards.” That’s a polite way to let her know her free ride is over. (Just alert FruGuy to it, so he doesn’t say something about covering it.)

    On the other hand, I hate any kind of confrontation, so I generally err on the side of caution and go for discreet but still-obvious messages.

    I just think it’s too easy for even the most mild explanation to put someone on the defensive. If she makes some excuse that shows she’s still hoping to get a free meal/drink whatever, well then you can find a polite way to tell her that you think things should revert to their old system.

14. Weekly Round Up | Master Your Card March 17th, 2009 at 7:13 am

    [...] Frugal asks readers for advice on what to tell a friend who’s always expecting you to pay all the time. It’s a tough call, especially when it’s a good friend, but you have to be honest or it [...]

15. Mrs. Modern Tightwad March 17th, 2009 at 8:12 am

    I want to add a different voice to the mix. When Mr. MT and I had some difficult financial circumstances, no one would let us pay for anything, which was nice, but I also got tired of arguing for the check. And it still happens. Even though our friends know we’re doing better, when I ask for the check or how much I owe they still brush me aside.

    Frankly, I get tired of arguing, and in some cases limit how much I spend time with certain people because of it. And if she’s really your friend, why should she have to “make a show(?) of reaching into her purse,” especially if it’s likely that FruGuy might shoo her away from the bill.

    This is the sort of conversation that can wreck even a solid friendship, as there is no way to bring it up without making her sound like an ungenerous, freeloader. I honestly don’t think it should be broached as an issue. Just send her an e-mail or text that you guys are going out, you want her to come with, and “Tag! First round’s on you!” Or start a night at the pub with a couple rounds and have FruGuy join you a bit later, so she gets used to paying her own way even when he’s around. If you didn’t all three consistently go out often together before the job loss, she might not know she’s expected to do any different.

    I would also wonder if her financial woes are truly over. Most people change behaviors when their life has a real blessing. She may still be catching up from the time she was out of work. Maybe you wonder as well (”so she tells me”).

    You just have to ask yourself how you think the best way to handle it is with this particular person, if it’s bothering anyone other than you, and why it’s bothering you. It just really sounds like you feel like FruGuy is being disrespected and his generosity taken advantage of.

    Do you really think your friend is the sort to take advantage, or does she need a gentle steering, or a hit on the head? Does FruGuy prefer to take care of his FruGal and her friend?(I ask because there are a lot of things that bother me, when I think Mr. MT is being taken advantage of when he doesn’t care) I’m sure you’ll make an excellent decision on how to handle it; I just think good friends are hard to find, and all friends get a little dumb or complacent on occasion.

16. Kristy @ Master Your Card March 17th, 2009 at 8:17 am

    I think it’s important that you talk to her soon before this becomes a bigger deal than it is. If you let this hang between the two of you, you’re only going to resent her more down the road and it could cause problems in your friendship. Communication is key.

    I’d also mention to FruGuy that perhaps he shouldn’t be so quick to grab the ticket, either. They both may be subconsciously doing it and it just needs to be pointed out.

    Like the other said, if she’s a true friend, she’ll understand your position and absolutely back off. But, I will say that you have to be careful how your approach it with her. You can’t just come out and tell her that she needs to start paying for her own meals. I mean, you could, but that would probably make things worse. Instead, find a gentle way to break it down to her. Typically, phrase like, ‘I feel,’ will put her at ease and make her feel less like you’re attacking her and more like you’re expressing your own concerns. That may help with the presentation of it. But, whatever method you prefer, I do think it’s best that you talk to her and soon.

17. Splitting the bill dramas continued: Have you ever lost a friend over money? - FruGal March 17th, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    [...] @ Master Your Card: I think it’s important thatMrs. Modern Tightwad: I want to add aWeekly Round Up | Master Your Card: [...] Frugal asks readers [...]

18. Weekly Round Up | Master Your Card March 23rd, 2009 at 6:11 am

    [...] FruGal talks about friends taking advantage of your kindness. When a friend is down and out, it’s natural to want to treat them to lunch every once in [...]

19. tom March 24th, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    This may be off topic but I find this an issue in dating.

    I mean in point blank, if you’re the guy always paying, why are you doing it?

    Are you insecure with yourself?
    Are you buying attention, affection, love?

20. Cheapskate Sandy March 26th, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    I hate this? I hate when people take advantage. I am pretty straightforward. I would take her aside and tell her that she needs to chip in when you guys eat out now that her financial situation has changed.

    But that’s me. I’m plain speaking. I used to eat out with a friend who would order like the most expensive thing on the menu then would want us to split it 50-50. I told her I’d be happy to when she chips in the correct amount! She doesn’t try that crap anymore.

21. Got time for a quickie? - FruGal March 27th, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    [...] I think it is terriblyCheapskate Sandy: I hate this? IFruGal: I’m with you all onFruGal: @ Recessionista, while it wouldKristy @ Master Your Card: I’m [...]

22. Amanda is a Traveling Photographer April 19th, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    Put in YOUR share ( even if you don’t normally pay for youself on dates ) and then just look at her.

23. Archie June 24th, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    I agree with Kristy. Don’t talk to her yet. First, talk to FruGuy. Have him be not so quick to pick up the tab.

    I used to do that. When we were out with friends, I’d be quick to pick up the tab. Not that my friends didn’t pay their share, but it bothered us that they never ever were the first to make the move.

    Also agree with talking to her.

    I have to be thankful. I have amazing friends who pay for me right now because I don’t have a job – even after I offer, they’ll slip the cash back or pocket my card until we leave so I can’t pay. I make it a point to not order expensive things, though. I try to get the draft beer on special, and make sure I’m not getting ANYTHING we’re not all gonna share to munch. I (try to) make it a point to offer – and vehemently, more than once, not just once as a token – just to make sure they really don’t want me to pay.

    And I’ve made a conscious note of these special friends who I will take out to a nice dinner or for a night out when I do get that next first paycheck.

    Your friend is taking advantage of you. Best friend or not, ask yourself if you want to continue with this friend. And proceed accordingly.

    FruGuy sounds like a keeper, BTW ..

24. Zashkaser August 5th, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Wait…which one is Britney?